Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Why I Sometimes Scream At My Computer

Although I love where I live, I pay for that pleasure by enduring the sluggish, frustrating, erratic dial-up connection that is my only choice for this little backwoods hamlet/village/wide-spot-inna-road. My very nice ISP has given me a free Accelerator that usually does a remarkable job of speeding up things but the operative word here is "usually." When it ain't workin', folks, dial-up truly sucks.

I've made jokes about the dial-up connection being hamster-powered. That's so I can laugh on the outside while crying on the inside, don'cha know. I was thinking the Accelerator was like letting the hamsters drink lots of that Red Bull energy drink so they'd run faster and longer in their little spinning wheels. So why the all too plentiful bouts of sluggishness? It was a puzzle, a mystery, a conundrum. Until I found Elliot on his lunch break.

That's Elliot in the above photo. And that's what the hamsters have been eating between cans of energy drink. Glug, glug Red Bull. Zoom-zoom connection. Munch, munch cookie. Plod, plod connection. Coincidence? I think not. (In the interests of accuracy, I need to point out "zoom-zoom," as applied to dial-up, is a grossly misleading description but it makes me feel better.)

I tried to talk to Elliot about the virtues of healthier food but he's not listening to me. Apparently, cookies are in their union contract. And nap breaks. And free psychiatric care when people like me traumatize them with dire tales of excess calories and clogged arteries.

It could have been worse. Elliot could have been selfish about it and refused to share his cookies with me. Not only did he let me have some, he promised to try to find the recipe. Right after his nap. I'll try not to disturb him with my screaming.


John Bailey said...

Heh... "Do not muzzle the hamster..." :-)

kate et jim said...

Ah - I remember dial up. It was so exciting (and we didn't know any better) when we first acquired a computer.

I don't envy ya, Dee. I'd be cursing mine too, if we still had it.

Give Elliot another cookie - maybe the sugar will kick in! lol

bb said...

Even with road runner there are times of the day everything seems slow to me. I keep wondering if it is my computer, the new wireless mouse, or my need to empty cache more often.

Does your library have internet? Maybe it is faster.

Dee said...

John, is that a Monty Python quote? I can't seem to track down anything but "Your mother was a hamster...".

I never thought of the sugar kick, Kate. Good idea!

Yeah, Bonnie, the library has Internet -- but we all have dial-up. There simply is NO high-speed connection in this little pocket of dull edge technology. Even the cable company can't help us. Which is okay because they're too spendy anyway.

John Bailey said...

I got my Monty Python bone itching now, Dee... :-) But, no, I was playing hamsters against oxen in the great game of quotes:

Deuteronomy 25:4 Thou shalt not muzzle the ox when he treadeth out the corn.

Dee said...

Of course! I should have recognized that particular quote as I always used it to justify eating half my wild berry picking. Which didn't impress Mom at all. (smile) But who knew the Bible sounded so Pythonesque? There is a profound message in there somewhere.

Maggie said...

Yup, you have been much missed. Yup too, I wish I could magic up a high speed connection for you.